Oh Pity, Party of One?

I just can’t do this anymore!

Why does it even matter? 

I’m just going to accept the fact that this is how things will always be.

There are more important things to worry about anyway.

Nobody said sacrifice would be easy, and let’s face it: when it comes to serving Christ, there are moments of sacrifice.  After all, Jesus Himself talked about the importance of sacrifice in the New Testament:

“Then Jesus said to His disciples, ‘If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me’.” Matthew 16:24, NASB.

To be fair, He also promised (and still promises!) to care for us along this journey toward Heaven:

“Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28, NASB.

So why is it that we get so FRUSTRATED at times when it comes to sacrificial living?  For some, this may mean giving more time to be the hands and feet of Jesus in the community.  For others, this may mean redirecting our finances to include tithes, gifts and offerings.  And then there are those day in and day out situations in which we need to honor God (yes, He really does care about every single part of our lives) — how we spend our time each day, what we choose to consume with our eyes and with our mouths, what we feed our souls and our stomachs, the words that we speak, the habits to which we cling.

YES, God’s grace does cover our sins when we accept the gift of salvation through His Son, Jesus.  And YES, Jesus did say,

“It is not what enters into the mouth that defiles the man, but what proceeds out of the mouth, this defiles the man.” Matthew 15:11, NASB.

Absolutely, we must be more concerned with our souls than with what we eat!  Yet if what we eat is causing us harm, if we are choosing to seek comfort or happiness in anything other than Christ, then we must rethink our decisions!  We learn from Paul that,

“All things are lawful, but not all things are profitable.  All things are lawful, but not all things edify.” 1 Corinthians 10:23, NASB.

So again, when trying to live this life of obedience in ALL areas in order to be closer to God, to honor Him, and to live in the center of His will rather than my own, why is it that I can find myself in the midst of my own little pity party?  Because I am trying to do this on my own.  I’ve seen quite clearly that on those days when I spend time with God in prayer and in His word, when I reach out to Him for guidance, for comfort, for happiness, I do not struggle with obedience.  However, on days when “I’ve got this,” there are moments in the grocery store bakery section when I want to cry.  That may sound ridiculous when compared to “real” problems in this world (um, see my “excuses” above), but the journey of saying “yes” to God in all things starts within one’s own heart.  And if my heart is divided rather than completely lost in Jesus, well, I’m less likely to serve Him as He would like in other areas.

My pity party is evidenced by my defeated spirit.  By an overwhelming desire to just quit.  By my angry disposition that often shows its ugly head in short remarks to my family.  By my inability to handle stress. By the tears that come too easily over seemingly nothing.  I begin to listen to Satan’s lies instead of God’s truths.  [I love what Lysa TerKeurst says in her book Made to Crave: “Isn’t it just like Satan to make us think we have to have something to comfort us, fill us, satisfy us, only to be haunted by the consequences of this comfort later?” (TerKeurst, 2010, p. 110).]  And when I stop to wonder why I’m feeling this way, God’s Holy Spirit nudges my heart, and I am reminded of His promises again:

“For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline.” 2 Timothy 1:7, NASB.

And again:

“No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.” 1 Corinthians 10:13, NASB.

And yet again:

“Therefore if you have been raised up with Christ, keep seeking the things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God.  Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth.  For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God.  When Christ, who is your life, is revealed, then you also will be revealed with Him in glory.” Colossians 3:1-4, NASB.

There is no need for the pity party!  Those things that seem so overwhelming in our lives are in HIS hands; we need only to cling to Him instead of to those things that bind us!  Praise God!

In closing, I am currently reading a book as part of my studies in Psychology and Christian Counseling. While writing this blog, a paragraph from the book Effective Biblical Counseling by Larry Crabb came to mind.  I would like to share it with you:

“It must be stressed that obedience does not automatically follow from correct understanding. Remember, I said that our perceptions determine the range of options we can choose.  The will is a real part of the human personality with the function of responsibly choosing to behave consistently with how the Bible teaches us to evaluate our world.  And such choices are not always easy.  It often involved teeth-gritting effort to choose to behave as we should.  It is important to choose to do what is right moment by moment.  Apart from the clear exercise of the will, there will be no consistent obedience.  As the Christian continues to choose the path of righteousness, his capacity for right choices in the face of adversity and temptation enlarges.  He becomes a stronger Christian, one whom God can trust with greater responsibilities” (Crabb, 1977, p. 102).

A Raging Battle

I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good.  So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it. And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.  I want to do what is right, but I can’t.  I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway.  But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.  I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong.  I love God’s law with all my heart.  But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me.  Oh, what a miserable person I am!  Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? — Romans 7:15-24, NLT

I love food.  Period.  For as long as I can remember, food was not only a part of my physical sustenance, but a part of my emotional existence.  Can you relate?  Did you also grow up in a home where cookies made the hurt feel better, or where ice cream melted away a broken heart?  I ate to celebrate special occasions; I ate because I was bored.

Being an active cheerleader in high school, these unhealthy choices didn’t seem to make a difference in my physical appearance.  I stayed slender no matter what I ate, although in the back of my mind, I worried about being overweight.  No … let me change that … I worried about getting fat.  The dreaded “F” word, with all of the ugly degrading connotation behind it.  My best friend at the time struggled with bulimia and anorexia, and she was thinner than I.  Put two and two together – if she thinks SHE’S fat, well gee, I must be too!  Diets and extreme measures were never my style, though, and I simply silenced those thoughts with another mouthful of deliciousness.

The results of those poor choices never caught up with me until after I got married.  I went to college for one year out of high school, and instead of gaining the “freshman fifteen,” I actually got into the best shape of my life due to the required PE class.  After one year, though, I left college to marry my high school sweetheart.  My physical activity went to zero, and my food intake went to “two very young adults eating pizza most of the time,” as my (now ex) husband worked for Domino’s.  On a young couple’s budget, free pizza worked our perfectly for our finances, if not for our health.  Three months after marrying, I became pregnant with our older daughter, and the excuse to eat was justified!  In fact, my doctor warned me a few months into my pregnancy that I was gaining too much weight.  After the appointment, with tears in my eyes, I bought a Snickers bar and said, “He’s a man. He doesn’t know what this is like.”  I gained 60 pounds with that pregnancy.

I lost the weight from my first pregnancy just in time to get pregnant with our younger daughter.  I was much more careful this time, incorporating daily walks into my routine and not gaining as much weight as I did previously.  After her birth, I didn’t worry about my weight at all until one day in the bathtub.  I caught my reflection in the overflow drain and started to cry.  Never mind that I’m quite sure those things are like fun-house mirrors, distorting the curves terribly; I was fat.

Thus began the ups and downs of my entire adult life and the battle with the scale.  Throughout my twenties and thirties, I took every pill and potion, went on every diet, bought every workout video and destroyed my metabolism.  Looking back now, not only do I regret the money I wasted, but the emotional damage I did to myself – and I am quite certain to my daughters.  You can only hear your mother degrade herself so many times before it becomes ingrained into your mind too.

So let’s fast forward before I tell my entire life story.  Condensed version: food was my best friend and my worst enemy, and my priorities for losing weight over the years were totally out of whack.  For that matter, my LIFE priorities were out of whack.  If I want to be truly honest with myself, my body issues combined with food addiction played a part in the ending of my first and second marriages.  Not the only part, but definitely buried deep in there somewhere.

Years later, God is still on His throne, and once I surrendered my heart so that He could be King of my life, things changed.  My struggle with food as lord over my life is still a raging battle.  This is where I can totally relate to Paul in his letter to the Romans.  Why do I do what I know is not good?  I love God, and I love being obedient to Him!  Can there be victory?  Will a day come when I desire to honor Him in EVERY part of my existence, not just in the parts that are easy?  I get so excited when I read verse 25 of Romans 7!  Remember, verse 24 asks that pertinent question, “Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death?” Who provides victory?  “Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord” (Romans 7:25, NLT).

When my focus is on Jesus, things fall into place.  Jesus is to be my Comfort.  Jesus is to be the Focus of my celebrations.  He is the One I should turn to when temptations arise, when boredom strikes, when frustrations prevail.  Being healthy is an admirable reason for getting that vicious cycle of food and guilt under control.   Wanting to live longer so I can enjoy my grandchildren is not wrong.  Even the desire to feel confident isn’t such a bad thing.  However – all of those things pale when compared to honoring God.  He created us.

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb.  Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!  Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.  You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.  You saw me before I was born.  Every day of my life was recorded in your book.  –Psalm 139:13-16a, NLT

I realize the battle to put God first in all areas of my life is a lifelong one.  I also know without a doubt Who holds the victory. God’s mercy, grace, strength, and peace give me hope through it all.