Archives

2016 Reflections

As I sit here on NYE awaiting the arrival of the new year, I realize that much like this year’s presidential election, I may not be exactly “for” 2017 so much as I’m “anti” 2016.  My word, it’s been a rough one in just about every way, shape and form.  The media has focused upon the numerous deaths of celebrities; I admit, it’s been easy as a child of the 80’s to get caught up in the “what the heck?!” feeling that for some reason, 2016 set out to attack my teenage memories.

Celebrities weren’t the only ones who met tragedy over the past year.  2016 was bathed in conflict, controversy, and sadness: racial tension, police officers and criminals, natural disasters, religious doctrines, sex-trafficking, ISIS, battles over human rights.  I couldn’t listen to the radio or check out social media without discovering another tug-of-war within humanity.  Often times, it was too much to stomach.  (We won’t even go into the hatred spewed during this year’s election.)  What was happening to this world?!  Is this how God created people to be?!

Toss into mix my own family trials that knocked the wind right out of us in 2016.  My mother suffered a stroke in late August and is still in rehabilitation.  This prompted an unexpected trip to visit her in September, during which my husband underwent an emergency appendectomy while my daughter and I were traveling back to GA from PA.  (He arrived home with the help from a friend about the time I walked through our kitchen door.)  My husband had other bouts in the ER throughout the year.  My sister-in-law had a cancer scare and thyroid surgery.  And me?  Well, I received the gift of the beginnings of menopause in January and was recently diagnosed with Fibromyalgia.  In March, I had a traumatic flashback from childhood that caused my depression to spiral.  (I am not ready to journey down that blogger’s road by sharing the deep darkness of my past, although I am sure that day is coming.)  As my depression worsened, my physician decided medication was the best route.  It would be easy to bitterly, with tongue in cheek, exclaim a sarcastic, “Thank YOU, 2016!” and insert a few Fred Flintstone grumbles in place of cussing out the whole year.

Yet it will do me no good to yell and scream obscenities as Auld Lang Syne plays somewhere in the distance.  The more I struggled personally, the louder God’s voice became as He guided me to one particular verse: “But as for me, I know that my Redeemer lives, and He will stand upon the earth at last” (Job 19:25, New Living Translation).  I had to hold on to His promise in the midst of this tumultuous year.  I’ve learned in my counseling courses that although a complete dichotomy stands between the evil in this world and the goodness that is God, making it impossible at times to believe that there can be one AND the other … both do indeed exist.  God is good, He has always been good, He will always be good.  Satan may have his sway on this earth now, but eternity sees him bound in hell while my God reigns forevermore.  I am reminded that while suffering takes place, it – and all of this life for that matter – is temporary.  My husband and I were discussing getting older and losing loved ones, and he brought up a good point.  When we were very young, we thought that 40 was old.  Now we are in our 40s, and we realize a lifetime has passed in the blink of an eye.  Soon, Lord willing, we will be in our 60s and eventually 80s, and it, too, will fly by just as quickly as this half of our lives.  Thank GOD for eternity, or what would be the point of this short little life?

So goodbye to 2016, a year of painful lessons – some visible, others, not so much.  I have to hold on to my faith in God and His promise that no tears are wasted.  He has a purpose for each and every one, and I praise Him for the day when “He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain.  All these things are gone forever” (Revelation 21:4, NLT).

Welcome, 2017.  And come, Lord Jesus, come.

happy-new-year-2017-images-for-whatsapp-2

Advertisements

Sister

Childhood best friends

Sweet little sister

I will protect you

From the monster

I will save you

From the deep waters

We giggle, we play

We grow, we love

We change

Different paths

Different choices

Don’t go down that path

But I still love you

We are still friends

Mistakes made

Separately, together

No, no, don’t go further down

Don’t throw it all away

But to whom am I speaking?

To you?

To me?

So easy to judge

When my sin is hidden

I thought you left me

Left us all

But maybe

I left you

And now dark secrets

And a thousand miles

And many years

Separate us

You seek forgiveness

Can I trust you?

I need forgiveness

For failing you

As your big sister

As God’s child

As your friend

Fear

Everything I Learned About Being a Mother-In-Law, I Learned From My Mom.

In the midst of my divorce, I had a conversation with my mother that stuck with me.  She asked, “Are you sure you’re not going to get back together?”  My answer was an emphatic, “no.”  She stressed the point: “Are you POSITIVE?”  Yes, I was positive.  Then she said, “Because you may forgive him for hurting you, but your father and I won’t.”  This was one of the first things I shared with my daughter when she got married: you can talk to me about anything, but remember that if you complain to me about your husband, it will be much easier for you to forgive him than it will be for me to do so.  It’s that whole “mama bear” thing.  Mess with me, fine.  Mess with my child, and it’s on.

Having said that, I love my son-in-law like he’s one of my own kids.  We can talk, we can joke, and we can praise Jesus together.  He works hard to support his precious little (growing) family; he loves my daughter and their children deeply.  Key point: it is their family.  Although my daughter will always be my daughter, and although their household is part of my family, they are now husband and wife.  Their own unit.  Their own entity.  The Bible teaches us in Genesis 2:22-24, “The LORD God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man. The man said, ‘This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; She shall be called ‘Woman’ because she was taken out of Man.’  For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh” (New American Standard Bible).

My son-in-law and me.

My son-in-law and me.

When it comes to my own marriage (and the marriages of my siblings), my mother has followed a few guidelines, and I follow her example.  Hopefully, this will make me the kind of mother and MIL that is honored as much as I honor my mom.  Read on …

  1. Let them be their own family.  This encompasses so many areas!  Holidays immediately come to mind.  It is OKAY for your child and his/her spouse to start their own traditions, to visit other family members, and to not spend every waking moment with you.  Yes, this is hard, especially if you grew up in a family as close-knit as mine who had die-hard traditions when it came to the holidays.  Please remember that your child married someone who has a family too.  Please remember how hard it was when you got married and tried to lug the kids to several different homes (possibly while bundled up for the winter weather) in order to make everyone happy.  Please remember that your child and in-law may create beautiful new traditions that your grandchildren will remember fondly one day.  It doesn’t mean not seeing them, but please be flexible.  The day after Christmas can be just as special – it’s about the memories, not the exact day.  “If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men” (Romans 12:18, NASB).
  2. Let their business be their business.  Praying for your adult children and their spouses is absolutely appropriate.  Sharing their confidences with anyone else is not.  Be trustworthy.  “Keep sound wisdom and discretion, so they will be life to your soul and adornment to your neck” (Proverbs 3:21b-22, NASB).
  3. Let them come to you for advice.  This means don’t butt in with your opinions.  Ever.  I mean it.  Just don’t.  Unless you were blessed with a wonderful MIL, you remember what it was (or is!) like to have advice, opinions, and judgment pressed upon you when it wasn’t wanted.  Oh, this includes your ideas on child rearing.  Ouch.  Let them be parents, and trust that yes, they will make mistakes.  We did.  We still do.  But also trust that they love their children and are raising them the way they feel is best.  That is their job, not yours. Now, if they ask for your advice, give it in a gentle and loving manner.  “Do not let kindness and truth leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart” (Proverbs 3:3, NASB).
  4. Let them struggle.  You may be thinking that is just cruel.  No, it’s not.  I do not mean you should abandon them, cut off all support, and hang them out to dry.  However, I do mean that if you pay their way throughout their lives, they will never learn to stand on their own.  Marriage is about struggles.  Sometimes those struggles are financial, sometimes they are emotional, but without pain, we do not learn life’s lessons – and we most certainly do not grow or mature.  There will be occasions when lending a helping hand (or dollar) will be appropriate.  Do not let it become a crutch they depend upon every time they get into trouble.  “And He has said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.’ Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.  Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Corinthians 12:9-10, NASB).
  5. Let them think for themselves.  In the end, the struggles with “letting go” of our children comes from our inherent need to be in control.  Face it, they are not small children anymore.  They have thoughts and ideas and dreams and goals.  They may not agree with you (gasp!) – and that means their spouses may not agree with you.  Do not assume that every decision made in their home that you don’t like was made by the spouse.  It doesn’t matter – they are now one flesh, united in God and in love, and they need to be allowed to make their own decisions as their own precious family.  Love them.  Encourage them.  Emotionally support them.  Above all, pray for them.  “But He gives a greater grace. Therefore it says, ‘God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble.’  Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.  Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you” (James 4:6-8, NASB).

Women never stop being mothers.  We will love our children until there is no breath left within us.  We need to honor our God and our grown children by showing love, respect, courtesy, privacy, and encouragement.  You are already an example – be a good one.  “Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored” (Titus 2:3-5, NASB).

The Negative Effects of Sensual Advertisements

In today’s society, advertisements are seen on TV, on the Internet, on billboards, in catalogs, and outside retail stores. Advertisers are trying to grab our attention, and one method they use is sensuality. Because teenagers are a target market for certain companies, such as clothing stores, some ads are designed to reach the teenage desire to be good-looking and popular. Images used in advertisements for companies such as Abercrombie & Fitch and Hollister Co. are specifically targeting the sexual side of adolescents, creating the idea that in order to be attractive, one must be thin, beautiful, and sexy. The American Psychological Association created a task force to study the effects of sexualization, specifically of girls, in the media and advertising. This task force discovered that sexualization is rampant in the media, that it has increased over the past 40 years, and that there are a variety of negative consequences that can result from exposure to this sexualization. In addition, the Bible warns humanity against sexual immorality. It is unlikely that companies will change their methods of advertising; it is up to parents and other responsible adults to guide teenagers toward healthy standards and godly morals.

Cute, but fun!

Teenage fashion should be fun, yet modest.

Walk through a typical shopping mall, and you will see droves of them: teenagers. The mall is the teenager’s place to socialize, eat, and, of course, shop. Teens spend the biggest part of their budget, approximately 21 percent, on clothing (Reagan, 2013). It stands to reason that clothing retailers use their advertisements to grab the attention of our youth. Unfortunately, the message that some popular companies are sending is a negative one, promoting “sexualization,” in particular, of girls (Zurbriggen et al., 2007). The notion is that in order to be considered beautiful, one must be sexy; in order to be considered sexy, one must be sexual. When this idea is embraced by adolescents, it lays the foundation for harmful consequences.

Two clothing stores that top the teenage shopping list are Abercrombie & Fitch and Hollister Co. Ironically, both companies promote advertisements that feature minimal clothing and maximum sexuality, as seen in this Abercrombie & Fitch ad (Levinson, 2013).

abercrombieAbercrombie & Fitch is not only known for displaying images of scantily clad young adults in sensual poses, but they embrace the fact that their models are the epitome of what society considers good-looking. In a 2006 interview, the company’s CEO Michael Jeffries confirmed that his main marketing tactic is to focus on “hot people” (Levinson, 2013). Jeffries was quoted as saying, “A lot of people don’t belong [in our clothes], and they can’t belong. Are we exclusionary? Absolutely.” (Levinson, 2013). Abercrombie & Fitch does not carry extra-large sizes in female apparel in order to limit their clientele to only thin individuals (Levinson, 2013). There is a specific image Jeffries wants displayed in his advertisements and in his stores. He made the statement that, “In every school there are the cool and popular kids, and then there are the not-so-cool kids. Candidly, we go after the cool kids.” (Levinson, 2013).

Hollister Co., a subsidiary of Abercrombie & Fitch that features “SoCal” styles imprinted with the Hollister logo, is also popular with the youth of today (Abercrombie, n.d.). It is no surprise that the same advertising method is utilized by both companies. While the models in this Hollister image are wearing a bit more clothing than the Abercrombie & Fitch photo referenced above, the theme still runs true: thin, beautiful, sexy people displaying sensuality (Mulkeen, 2010). Even if this were an advertisement for swimwear, there is barely any swimsuit to be seen.

hollisterHow do advertisements such as these affect the youth of today? “Journalists, child advocacy organizations, parents and psychologists have argued that the sexualization of girls is a broad and increasing problem and is harmful to girls” (Zurbriggen et al., 2007). Although the American Psychological Association (APA) has studied the impact media and advertising have on children for years, these studies were focused on violence and not on sexualization. Because of this, the APA Task Force on the Sexualization of Girls was formed (Zurbriggen et al., 2007).

Sexualization occurs when a person’s value comes only from his or her sexual appeal or
behavior, to the exclusion of other characteristics; a person is held to a standard that equates
physical attractiveness (narrowly defined) with being sexy; a person is sexually objectified –
that is, made into a thing for others’ sexual use, rather than seen as a person with the capacity
for independent action and decision making; and/or sexuality is inappropriately imposed upon
a person. (Zurbriggen et al., 2007)

The task force discovered that sexualization of women was found in practically all media forms, “including television, music videos, music lyrics, movies, magazines, sports media, video games, the Internet and advertising” (Zurbriggen et al., 2007). Examples of advertisements sexualizing females were not hard to find; sexualization was seen in ads for tennis shoes, dolls, and even thongs specifically sized for pre-teen girls (Zurbriggen et al., 2007). Sexualization is not limited to only females; however, men are less likely overall to be displayed in a sexual light. As witnessed in the Abercrombie & Fitch and Hollister Co. advertisements, there is a “narrow and unrealistic standard of physical beauty heavily emphasized” (Zurbriggen et al., 2007). In addition, research has shown that over a 40-year period, the number of ads promoting sexualization has increased (Zurbriggen et al., 2007). As a result, society sexualizes females. Not only do girls have a narrow view of beauty to emulate, but males may have decreased interest in ladies who do not meet the unrealistic standards set by the media (Zurbriggen et al., 2007).

There are other negative effects of sexualization and objectification of women in advertising. Cognitive consequences can occur, such as the inability to focus on anything other than physical appearance. Emotional results include low self-esteem and anxiety. Mental and physical health problems may arise in the forms of depression and eating disorders (Zurbriggen et al., 2007).

From a Biblical perspective, there is nothing positive about sex in advertising. 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5a reads, “For this is the will of God, your sanctification; that is, that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in lustful passion” (NASB). Advertisers using sex in an attempt to sell a product are not adhering to the commandments of God, but rather, are seeking the almighty dollar. Matthew 18:7 warns, “Woe to the world because of its stumbling blocks! For it is inevitable that stumbling blocks come; but woe to that man through whom the stumbling block comes” (NASB).

In a society full of visual imagery, it is difficult to turn a blind eye to every negative influence. Advertisers want our business, and they are willing to use powerful displays to get our attention. Teenagers form a target market; unfortunately, companies prey upon their heightened hormones and sexual curiosity to lure them into buying their merchandise. The sensual images and objectification of females and males can lead to negative consequences in the emotional, physical, social, and spiritual lives of adolescents submerged in today’s media. We may not be able to control the advertisers, but we can reinforce healthy, positive standards and Biblical morals to fight against the sexualization that surrounds us through advertising.


References

Abercrombie & Fitch. (n.d.) Retrieved from http://www.abercrombie.com.

Levinson, S. (2013, May 3). Abercrombie & fitch ceo explains why he hates fat chicks. Retrieved from http://elitedaily.com/news/world/abercrombie-fitch-ceo-explains-why-he- hates-fat-chicks/.

Mulkeen, M. (2010, September 2). Hollister’s immersive retail experience. Retrieved from http://www.postadvertising.com/2010/09/hollisters-immersive-retail-experience/.

New American Standard Bible. Ultrathin Reference Edition. The Lockman Foundation. La Habra, CA: Foundation Publications, Inc., 1998. Print.

Reagan, C. (2013, May 30). Teen angst: Retailers fight for relevance. Retrieved from http://www.cnbc.com/id/100774191.

Zurbriggen, E.L., Collins, R.L., Lamb, S., Roberts, T., Tolman, D.L., Ward, L.M., & Blake, J. (2007). Report of the apa task force on the sexualization of girls. Retrieved from http://www.apa.org/pi/women/programs/girls/report.aspx.

Loving the Strong-Willed Child Without Losing One’s Mind, Part 5: Biblical Perspective

The Strong-Willed Child: Biblical Perspective

            God’s word is the blueprint for life. People often say, “Too bad kids don’t come with an instruction manual!” God provided His instruction manual – the Bible. Throughout the Bible, God directed parents on how to raise children in a way that honors Him. God’s word also contains several recollections of strong-willed children and their parents; some events had happy endings, and others ended in tragedy. Point being, God is the foremost Authority in parenthood.

Parents who are obedient to God in child rearing are not guaranteed a life free of struggles, but they are promised the Lord’s blessings. One of the most-noted verses surrounding God’s promise to parents is Proverbs 22:6: “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it” (New King James Version). This does not mean that children of Christian parents will not go astray. Each person, young and old, has the gift of free will. Everyone must make his or her own choices in life. This verse assures parents that the seeds they plant within a child, whether spiritually, mentally, physically, or emotionally, will remain with that child forever. Those seeds will influence a child’s life; therefore, they need to be a reflection of God the Father’s parental guidance of His children.

“Unless the LORD builds the house, they labor in vain who build it” (Psalm 127:1a, NKJV)

“Unless the LORD builds the house, they labor in vain who build it” (Psalm 127:1a, NKJV)

There are a variety of parental accounts within the Bible; the following show drastic differences in parenting styles and the results of each. In the second chapter of First Samuel, the record of Eli the priest and his two sons, Hophni and Phinehas, was told: “Now the sons of Eli were corrupt; they did not know the LORD” (1 Samuel 2:12, NKJV). The story goes on to reveal the abominations committed by Eli’s sons, his repeated warnings to them about what would happen should they not repent, the sons’ continued disobedience, and finally, God’s wrath upon the family. God was not just angry at Eli’s sons for their disobedient and ungodly behavior; He was angry with Eli for allowing them to continuously dishonor Him. In a prophecy revealed to Eli, God said, “Why do you kick at My sacrifice and My offering which I have commanded in My dwelling place, and honor your sons more than Me, to make yourselves fat with the best of all the offerings of Israel My people?” (1 Samuel 2:29, NKJV). The very first of the Ten Commandments is, “I am the LORD your God … You shall have no other gods before Me” (Exodus 20:2-3, NKJV). By allowing his sons to go undisciplined, not only were they committing grievous sins against the LORD, but Eli was putting them above God and breaking God’s law. This would no longer go unpunished; God allowed both Hophni and Phinehas to be killed by the Philistines on the same day, and immediately after receiving the news, Eli fell off of a wall and died. Parents must consider the spiritual consequences of allowing children – even strong-willed children – to remain undisciplined. God not only holds children responsible for their actions; He holds the parents accountable.

In the book of Luke, a second narrative of a disobedient child is told. In “The Parable of the Lost (or Prodigal) Son,” Jesus described a grown son who does not wish to wait for his father to die before gaining his inheritance; he demanded it, and the father granted it. One may be lead to believe that the father was too permissive. However, to read the entire account paints the picture of a wealthy, intelligent, industrious and well-respected man. In Luke 15:17, the son had lost everything and recalled his father’s character: “But when he came to himself, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have bread enough and to spare, and I perish with hunger!’” (NKJV). This father was fair, not only to his kin, but to those who served him. It must be remembered, too, that there was a second son who obeyed his father and did not squander his fortune, as described in Luke 15:25-31. Therefore, the prodigal son appears to be the typical strong-willed child; in spite of his father’s loving yet firm discipline, he demanded his own way. His father allowed him to find his way in the world, and the son failed miserably. Lesson learned. The son recognized his foolishness, repented to God, and headed home to ask forgiveness of his earthly father. Godly parenting was mirrored perfectly when this rebellious young man’s father not only forgave him for his disobedience, but he celebrated his return and showered him with love. Parents would be wise to heed this example when children seek forgiveness. Yet this is not just the story of a father’s loving forgiveness. The fact that the son wanted to go home and knew he could go home provides another key about how well this father parented his son. In the face of adversity and defeat, this young man sought proximity and closeness to his father, felt that Dad was a safe haven, was sad at the possible loss of a relationship with his father, and although his explorations proved disastrous, knew his father would be there for him when he returned home. The relationship between this wayward son and his father demonstrates the role of attachment in angry and defiant children (AACC, 2006). This father had rules, but because he had a strong, loving relationship with his son, the young man was able to eventually accept discipline, even if learned the hard way.

Parents who embrace the word of God in their lives and instill His teachings in their children can gain strength in knowing they are never alone. The apostle Paul instructed the Ephesians with these words: “And you, fathers (or parents), do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4, NKJV). No parent has ever been or will ever be perfect, with the exception of our heavenly Father. There are genuine, solid, practical measures that can be applied to parenting the strong-willed child, or to parenting in general, that will promote a healthy, happy home. However, God’s word stands true, and in the words of the psalmist, “Unless the LORD builds the house, they labor in vain who build it” (Psalm 127:1a, NKJV).


References

American Association of Christian Counselors (2006). Angry, defiant, and violent kids (presentation). Available from Liberty University Online.

Bernstein, J. (2014, February 26). Five anxiety-lowering strategies for children [Web log post]. Retrieved from http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog.liking-the-child-you-love/201402/five-anxiety-lowering-strategies-children

Clinton, T., Hart, A., & Ohlschlager, G. (2005). Caring for people God’s way. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson, Inc.

Clinton, T., & Sibcy, G. (2006). Loving your child too much. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson.

Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1998). Boundaries with kids. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.

Crabb, L. (1977). Effective biblical counseling. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.

Dobbs, J. (2004). The new strong-willed child. Carol Stream, IL: Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.

Flaskerud, J.H. (2011). Discipline and effective parenting. Issues in Mental Health Nursing, 32,82-84. doi: 10.3109/01612840.2010.498078

Karreman, A., de Hass, S., van Tuijl, C., van Aken, M., & Dekovic, M. (2009). Relations among temperament, parenting and problem behavior in young children. Infant Behavior & Development, 33, 39-49. doi: 10.1016/j.infbeh.2009.10.008

Meeker, M. (2010, May 4). Staying sane with strong-willed kids [Web log post]. Retrieved from http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/family-matters/201005/staying-sane-strong-willed-kids

Strong-willed. (n.d.). In Cambridge dictionaries online. Retrieved from http://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/american-english/strong-willed

Turner, E. (2013, June 24). 4 tips for managing parenting stress [Web log post]. Retrieved from http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-race-good-health/201306/4-tips-managing-parenting-stress

Loving the Strong-Willed Child Without Losing One’s Mind, Part 3: Guidance and Discipline

The Strong-Willed Child: Guidance and Discipline

No matter what temperament rules a child’s being, parental guidance and discipline are essential. Adults must parent with a purpose, as explained by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend in their book, Boundaries With Kids. The authors point out that parents must consider more than the present when raising children – they must think about the future of their kids. When reflecting upon every aspect of parenting, the following must be remembered: “A person’s character is one’s destiny” (Cloud & Townsend, 1998). A child may be born with a strong will, but it is a parent’s responsibility to help mold that child’s character through a loving relationship and effective discipline.

Before addressing specific discipline techniques, it is important to explore building the relationship necessary for any type of success in parenting. Throughout their presentation, Clinton and Sibcy stated that “rules without relationship lead to rebellion” and “the quality of your relationship will determine the effectiveness of your discipline strategies” (AACC, 2006). If a parent does not appear to care about a child, adolescent, or teenager, then why would that child have any desire to respect the boundaries set by that parent? Clinton and Sibcy expressed this idea by stating that, “Boundaries make sense when given in love” (AACC, 2006). Parents can tell their kids they love them all day long, but any parent will agree that children believe behavior above spoken words. There is a tremendous amount of effort needed on the part of any parents who are truly dedicated to building a trust-worthy relationship with their children. There is no room for laziness or excuses. Perfection is not required of any parent, but love and care are absolutely necessary.

There are a variety of methods shown to build a healthy relationship with one’s child. According to Jacquelyn H. Flaskerud, RN, PhD, FAAN, of the University of California – Los Angeles School of Nursing (2011), maintaining a certain family environment is more fruitful in encouraging positive behavior. This environment includes the following: a positive emotional atmosphere, affection and compassion from the parents, regular schedules, and treating children with respect (Flaskerud, 2011). Flaskerud (2011) and Clinton and Sibcy (AACC, 2006) encouraged “special time,” which consists of being a participant in an activity of the child’s choice for fifteen to twenty minutes per day. Special time does not include questions, prying, or commands; it is a time to simply engage in play (AACC, 2006). This is an occasion to just relax, let the child lead, and show genuine interest in that child’s individuality (AACC, 2006). Another important aspect in guiding one’s child is listening. Young children are not capable of expressing their emotions with words, so they use behavior. By listening carefully, parents are provided a chance to assist children in learning words to express how they feel (Flaskerud, 2011). In addition to special time, Clinton and Sibcy promoted “floor time” (AACC, 2006). This can be taken literally when a child is small; it involves getting down on the floor and interacting with them. As they get older, floor time equates to quality moments when the parent shows a child interest, engagement, and interaction (AACC, 2006). Creating consistent habits such as breakfast together or car-pooling can develop chances for open dialogue between parent and child (AACC, 2006).

In addition to open communication, children need the ability to have safe communication with their parents (Cloud & Townsend, 1998). Children of all ages withhold conversation from their parents out of “fear of loss of love and fear of reprisal” (Cloud & Townsend, 1998). Rather than strengthening those fears, parents need to put their children at ease. This can be done by believing, and letting kids know, that “all feelings are acceptable, and expressing feelings is a good thing” (Cloud & Townsend, 1998). Children need empathy, connection, and acceptance; they also need structure and self-discipline, all of which should be found within and promoted by the parent (Cloud & Townsend, 1998). A parent must show gentleness and love combined with strength, and even if conflict arises, warmth should be displayed afterward to reassure the child (Cloud & Townsend, 1998).

In spite of implementing these strategies, there will always be children who determine that their way is the only way, questioning their parents’ authority and testing the behavioral boundaries. The parents of strong-willed children will often find themselves thinking the unthinkable: they may love their strong-willed kids, but they honestly do not like them (AACC, 2006). Kids do not understand the difference and may believe that Mom and Dad do not love them anymore. An unfavorable outlook of the child can develop, causing a breakdown in communication (AACC, 2006). This negativity is known as “CNN Syndrome;” no matter what good is within the youngster, the parent does not see it or reinforce it (AACC, 2006). Parents seeking professional counseling at this point may wish for the therapist to “fix” their strong-minded child; however, they must come to a place acceptance of this child instead. As Clinton and Sibcy (2006) explained, “These parents need to decide at some point whether they are going to accept their child’s uniqueness, however challenging it may be, and commit to building the relationship.” This does not mean complying with unacceptable behavior; it means putting forth the extra effort it will take to lead that child into adulthood.

For some kids, a firm word is all it takes to bring out the tears - like with my grandson.

For some kids, a firm word is all it takes to bring out the tears – like with my grandson.

Because the behavior of a strong-willed child can be frustrating, parents must make the distinction between discipline and punishment. Clinton and Sibcy explained, “As parents, we are not punishing wrong behavior when we discipline; we’re shaping character” (2006). While discipline corrects and teaches a child, punishment can degrade and cause emotional harm. Punishment comes as a reaction to the behavior and from a place of anger within the parent. Quite simply, punishment is never appropriate. In addition, using corporal punishment out of that place of anger can cause emotional and physical damage to a child. Spanking a child is a topic of debate, yet even experts who promote the appropriate use of spanking condemn doing so when emotions are high (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006). Punishment destructs; discipline constructs.

How, then, does one appropriately discipline the strong-willed child? The specific techniques vary depending on the age of the child. Even a strong-willed baby cannot understand a swat on the behind for doing what babies do, like crying in the middle of the night or wiggling during a diaper change (Dobson, 2004). Infants should not receive direct discipline; however, it is healthy for parent and child to establish a “balance between giving your baby the attention she needs and establishing her as a tiny dictator” (Dobson, 2004). In other words, as long as the child is safe, it is not necessary to pick her up every time she cries; otherwise, the parent is reinforcing that behavior (Dobson, 2004).

As the child grows, disciplinary measures will change. With toddlers, distraction and persistence are effective (Dobson, 2004). Once a child is old enough to understand consequences of behavior, discipline should involve an explanation of those consequences – and the fortitude to enforce them. This may mean lecturing, corporal discipline, time-out, or a loss of privileges (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006). Discipline will definitely involve experimentation, as every child is different. The following are healthy, effective steps in disciplining children: creation of an environment for moral growth, establishment of clear rules and limits, teaching a child the reasons behind the rules, discernment between intentional defiance and childish irresponsibility, avoidance of making impossible demands upon the child, teaching virtues that strengthen and guide behavior, and above all, allowing love to guide the parent while correcting the child (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006). Parents, especially those of the strong-willed child, must have the “courage to be hated” (Cloud & Townsend, 1998). Even if children do not like the rules or the outcome of breaking those rules, parents “need to be able to contain the protest, stay connected, not strike back, and remain the parent” (Cloud & Townsend, 1998). The expression “kids have enough friends; they need parents” rings true. In my personal experience, if a parent shows loving, consistent, firm discipline while the child is growing up, then the child will transition into becoming a friend upon adulthood.


References

American Association of Christian Counselors (2006). Angry, defiant, and violent kids (presentation). Available from Liberty University Online.

Bernstein, J. (2014, February 26). Five anxiety-lowering strategies for children [Web log post]. Retrieved from http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog.liking-the-child-you-love/201402/five-anxiety-lowering-strategies-children

Clinton, T., Hart, A., & Ohlschlager, G. (2005). Caring for people God’s way. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson, Inc.

Clinton, T., & Sibcy, G. (2006). Loving your child too much. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson.

Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1998). Boundaries with kids. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.

Crabb, L. (1977). Effective biblical counseling. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.

Dobbs, J. (2004). The new strong-willed child. Carol Stream, IL: Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.

Flaskerud, J.H. (2011). Discipline and effective parenting. Issues in Mental Health Nursing, 32,82-84. doi: 10.3109/01612840.2010.498078

Karreman, A., de Hass, S., van Tuijl, C., van Aken, M., & Dekovic, M. (2009). Relations among temperament, parenting and problem behavior in young children. Infant Behavior & Development, 33, 39-49. doi: 10.1016/j.infbeh.2009.10.008

Meeker, M. (2010, May 4). Staying sane with strong-willed kids [Web log post]. Retrieved from http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/family-matters/201005/staying-sane-strong-willed-kids

Strong-willed. (n.d.). In Cambridge dictionaries online. Retrieved from http://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/american-english/strong-willed

Turner, E. (2013, June 24). 4 tips for managing parenting stress [Web log post]. Retrieved from http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-race-good-health/201306/4-tips-managing-parenting-stress

Loving the Strong-Willed Child Without Losing One’s Mind, Part 2: Causes of Behavior

The Strong-Willed Child: Causes of Behavior

It is not unusual for parents to, at some point in their journey, question their abilities to raise their children properly. As a parent, I have looked back upon the lives of my two grown daughters and counted endless mistakes that may have adversely affected them as children and now as adults. When it comes to the strong-willed child, from where does this behavior stem? It is true that children are little sponges who learn many behaviors throughout their lives. Likewise, different situations will affect a child’s behavior. When it comes to temperament, however, each child comes into this world with his or her own unique individuality (Dobson, 2004). In a study regarding temperament, parenting, and problem behavior in children, temperament was defined as, “constitutionally based individual differences in reactivity and self-regulation, as seen in the emotional, motor, and attentional domains” (Karreman, de Haas, van Tuijl, van Aken, & Dekovic, 2009). Karreman et al. (2009) further explained that “constitutionally based” means that “temperament is biologically based, but influenced over time by genes, environment, and experience.”

pregnancy_photo

According to the AACC (2006), ten to fifteen percent of children with a difficult temperament are born that way. Studies have shown that seventy percent or more of personality is inherited (Dobson, 2004). Having at least one strong-willed child is not unusual. In fact, compared to easy-going children, there are nearly three times as many tough-minded kids (Dobson, 2004). Headstrong boys outnumber girls by five percent, and birth order is not a component (Dobson, 2004). Because children are born with their temperament, it is not surprising that parents may detect tenacious behavior early on; one-third of parents recognize the strong-willed child at birth, two-thirds become aware by the child’s first birthday, and ninety-two percent know by time the child turns three (Dobson, 2004). Because personality is, in part, inherited, it makes sense that if both parents are strong-willed, then they are more likely to give birth to a strong-willed youngster (Dobson, 2004). Genetics may explain temperament, but being born a certain way does not permit a lack of boundaries as one matures. Dr. Dobson touched on this truth when he wrote, “…heredity provides a nudge in a particular direction – a definite impulse or inclination – but one that can be brought under the control of our rational processes. In fact, we must learn early in life to do just that” (2004).


References

American Association of Christian Counselors (2006). Angry, defiant, and violent kids (presentation). Available from Liberty University Online.

Bernstein, J. (2014, February 26). Five anxiety-lowering strategies for children [Web log post]. Retrieved from http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog.liking-the-child-you-love/201402/five-anxiety-lowering-strategies-children

Clinton, T., Hart, A., & Ohlschlager, G. (2005). Caring for people God’s way. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson, Inc.

Clinton, T., & Sibcy, G. (2006). Loving your child too much. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson.

Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1998). Boundaries with kids. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.

Crabb, L. (1977). Effective biblical counseling. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.

Dobbs, J. (2004). The new strong-willed child. Carol Stream, IL: Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.

Flaskerud, J.H. (2011). Discipline and effective parenting. Issues in Mental Health Nursing, 32,82-84. doi: 10.3109/01612840.2010.498078

Karreman, A., de Hass, S., van Tuijl, C., van Aken, M., & Dekovic, M. (2009). Relations among temperament, parenting and problem behavior in young children. Infant Behavior & Development, 33, 39-49. doi: 10.1016/j.infbeh.2009.10.008

Meeker, M. (2010, May 4). Staying sane with strong-willed kids [Web log post]. Retrieved from http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/family-matters/201005/staying-sane-strong-willed-kids

Strong-willed. (n.d.). In Cambridge dictionaries online. Retrieved from http://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/american-english/strong-willed

Turner, E. (2013, June 24). 4 tips for managing parenting stress [Web log post]. Retrieved from http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-race-good-health/201306/4-tips-managing-parenting-stress