I’ve been married three times, and it’s only been through a recent Bible study (Made to Crave) and God’s revelation that I’ve come to realize how much my body image affected my past relationships. (I will note that like the author, Lysa TerKerust, I am very thankful for a husband who loves me JUST AS I AM, “tankles and all”!) I married my first husband a year out of high school. We were young, we were naive, and I’ve only just recently accepted that although the mistakes I made in that marriage were my choices and my responsibility, his addiction to pornography fed into the lies about myself – and caused me to seek affection and acceptance elsewhere. I was overweight when I met my second husband (who was a total rebound and ours was a relationship that was based on nothing but lust – and when that dies, so does the marriage), and I was so happy that he wanted a “curvy” girl. A few years into our marriage, I lost 50 lbs. and by society’s standards (and his), I looked great. Most people confused me for my daughters’ sister instead of their mom. Ego boost. But the diet pills and restrictive dieting and obsessive exercise couldn’t last forever, and after a bought of depression, I gained it all back. And then some. And then some more. Over time, I went from being 5’1″ and 125 lbs. to over 200. There are many deeper, darker problems we had that I won’t go into, but what killed me was when my husband told me he was no longer attracted to me. That pushed me to do what? Eat more. I topped the scales at 221 just before I left him.
After my divorce, I got back to church, I went to a Christian support group, and I ran back into the arms of Jesus. I was saved at 13 and spent my teenage and part of my first marriage trying to serve Him, but I pushed Him away to find happiness in areas that left me empty. However, He never left me. He was calling me to come back to Him. I did, and later I met the man who I cherish now as my husband. He loves me unconditionally, something that has been an adjustment after feeling like my worth was tied to my appearance, whether that was true or not! Sadly, there are (too many) times that Steve has had to hear the self-destructive lies that still float around in my head, and he does his best to remind me of how beautiful I am. He often says, “I wish you could see yourself through my eyes.”
HOW MANY TIMES DOES GOD SAY THAT TO US?? “I wish you could see yourself through my eyes.”
I’m not sure I can come up with a reason for why God made me the way He did – but Psalm 139 says I was fearfully and WONDERFULLY made. I must trust – and find my beauty – in Him.